No Regrets
by ARPfics
Summary: Anytime Artie tells anyone that he doesn't care about dancing... yeah, that's pretty much a lie. Spoilers up to 1x19 - Dream On.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Because angst is fun? Take this as sort of a lead-in to the speculation of future episodes. No real spoilers.

_"Don't forget, no regrets, except maybe one. Made a deal, not to feel. God that was dumb." _~Thanks That was Fun, BNL_  
_

* * *

The familiar ding of a new facebook chat filled my silent room. My eyes stayed on the blank page before me, my fingers twisting my pen nervously. Who in the world would be IMing me now? A glance at my watch said it was after 2 in the morning. My concentration shot, I flopped over in bed and turned towards the laptop on the nightstand next to me. It was Tina, 'Hey.'

I pulled myself up in bed and scooted the laptop over to my lap. I smiled as I typed, 'what are you doing up?'

'Can't sleep. I'm worried about Mercedes,' she responded.

'Me too. I still can't believe she thought we were food!'

'LOL. Want to talk?'

'Can't. My parents will hear.' No matter how I tried to muffle my voice, my mom always seemed to hear. Sometimes I swore they had one of those nanny cams hidden in one of my ancient sci-fi novels, because my mom always seemed to know exactly what I was doing.

'Wow. They need to BTFA a bit.' I could almost imagine the sly smile creeping across her face.

'T! They care about me.'

'My parents wouldn't care.'

I didn't know what to say to this. There had been a time when I thought I knew exactly why her parents thought she wasn't good enough. It was times like those that I thanked my lucky stars that my parents accepted me for who I was and somehow managed to look past my disability... something that I could never do. There were brief moments when I thought I was OK with it. When we practiced Proud Mary and everybody was finally equal... When I realized that Tina liked me despite the chair... but it had all come crashing down. Those hoochy girls had stolen our number,_ my_ number. Tina had been lying.

And honestly, I still wasn't so sure I forgave her for it. She could be normal now and, as I so bluntly told her, she might as well dress normal. I would never ever try to be different and I didn't understand why she wanted to stand out. I always felt like I should look presentable; make up for what my appearance so obviously lacked. I'd told her she didn't have to change, but as I stared at her dark profile picture on the computer screen before me; I wasn't so sure.

'Artie?' She finally sent.

'Yeah, still here.' I had no advice for her. Why should I help her? She could be whoever she wanted... and I could never change. If she was upset with her parents, maybe she should at least try to please them. It was like she wanted to be contrary...

'Are you excited for the assembly tomorrow?' She finally changed the subject.

'Kinda nervous for them, you know?' I was almost positive that Mrs. Sylvester was playing them to gain the upper hand, but they both seemed really happy to finally get to sing. I wasn't going to say anything.

'Yeah.' A minute later she added, 'I better go to bed. Try to get some sleep.'

'Thanks. See ya.'

'Good night.' Tina sent and I closed out the chat. I probably should have laid down myself, but I went on youtube and watched videos of little kids smiling up from their wheelchairs. The raw pain and regret somehow made me feel alive.

* * *

The assembly was, well, beautiful. It was amazing, getting to see my friend sing the song she so rightfully deserved. I knew a lot of people could sympathize with what she'd said; myself included. I didn't dare raise my hand and admit to it, but I felt insecure all the time... and looking down next to me, I was surprised to see Tina raise her hand in answer to those questions. And as I sat entranced, listening to those lyrics, something suddenly hit me.

Tina was beautiful. Of course she was attractive no matter how she dressed, but there was so much more to be discovered. Underneath that tough exterior, there was a scared, vulnerable girl. She had hidden behind her voice for a long time and still hid behind what she wore, but really, she just wanted to be accepted. She'd been almost too quick to forgive me last week. Who was I to push her away?

She obviously liked me; she'd kissed me even after I'd acted like a jerk and gave her lip service as an apology. Really, I had just wanted to get back on her good side in hopes of getting some action. But now? I looked at her and knew she was special. She did things her own way and she wasn't ashamed of who she was... and I was.

She was always there to help me out. Usually I hated this kind of treatment, but she did it so quietly, so naturally that I never even really noticed before. She really accepted me for who I was. And it was about time that I accepted who she was.

* * *

That afternoon, I sat watching the club practice our newest choreography. Usually, I tried to find a place for myself near the end of practice and usually, I was OK with this. I watched as Finn twirled Rachel around in front and Jesse took his place next to Tina. Everybody had a partner. Our choreography had gotten a lot more complicated lately and there was even less that I could do. Sighing, I looked down at the crumpled sheet music in my hands. There wasn't even a guitar solo in the song. Well, I never liked this song anyway.

"Hey, Artie, you OK?" I looked up at Mr. Schue.

"Yeah, fine, thanks." I brushed him off, trying not to meet his eyes. I stared beyond him, at Tina dancing with that cheater, Jesse St. James. She was smiling, enjoying herself. Some new, unwelcome emotion was slowly filling my soul. Tina looked up at me suddenly, almost missing her next step. She sent me a shy smile.

Yes, I was ready to see things from her perspective. I had never been so angry, so jealous in my life. It was time to play dirty and finally show the world my dark side. The world could blame my new, dark girlfriend.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the great reviews. You guys are the best. :D This was intended to be a one-shot, but I now continue, lol.

* * *

"Puck, I need your help." I sat, almost trembling as I looked up at the tough mohawked boy.

Almost predictably, he just rose an eyebrow at me, holding Quinn close, like he owned her. Nobody deserved to be treated like that, but she actually seemed to enjoy the attention. She kept Puck in line somehow. "What do you want, Abrams?" Puck asked casually.

I know he'd never admit to it, but we'd become sort of friends lately. Last week, he'd even asked my opinion of a song he was working on for regionals. That was a hell of a lot better than getting locked in a porta-potty or being the victim of a patriotic wedgie.

"Walk with me," I ushered forward, pushing away from his locker.

He shrugged at Quinn and fell in step next to me. He shoved his hands in his pocket awkwardly as we weaved through the crowded hallway. He looked over at the air above me. "You're gonna hurt my rep. What's up?"

"I have a problem." Puck opened his mouth, no doubt to insult me again, but I held up my hand quickly. "It's about my reputation actually. I want to be bad."

Puck actually stopped in his tracks and doubled over with laughter. "You? Why? You don't have a bad bone in your body."

"How would you know?" I narrowed my eyes, trying to look threatening and trying not to laugh. He was probably right. And he probably didn't even realize his unintentional compliment. "I'm tired of people feeling bad for me, of people beating me up."

"So you wanna blow stuff up? I'm sure the geeks in the physics club can help you. I got them to help me blow up that dumpster behind the gym last week."

"I thought you were trying to change?"

"Whatever, man." Puck looked around, threatening some random freshman, trying to look tough. "Look, what do you want from my life?"

"I need some ideas. I kind of... fail at being badass."

"Don't worry." Puck just nodded, a sly smile filling his face. "I think I can help."

* * *

I smiled to myself as I scooted around the choir room, preparing my revenge. I pushed myself closer to my creation and admired my handiwork. It was almost too perfect. Once I'd started brainstorming with Puck, the solution had been only too obvious. Now I rolled over to the door and pulled the final secret ingredient out of my backpack. I sprayed it everywhere, smiling at the sick pleasure of just making a mess. I gave a short laugh at the sight of it all. Now it was time for part two of the plan.

I rolled out backwards into the hall and glanced at my watch. I would have to time this perfectly. I made a mental countdown until, as if on my cue, the bell signaling the end of fourth period rang. I steeled myself before rolling down the hall as fast as I could. I screamed on the top of my lungs, "You can't make me go to class! You can't make me go to class!"

And the sad thing was, it was true. There was some crazy law that said I could take as much time as I needed between classes. I never took advantage of it and as I rolled down the empty halls, I realized it was ridiculous. Give me detention. Let me be normal and get in trouble. I tried to shout even louder, hoping somebody would listen.

Finally, kids started coming out of their classrooms, giving me weird looks. A few teachers looked concerned, but nobody approached me. I turned a corner and almost ran right into Ms. Pillsbury. "Artie, what are you doing?" She leaned down and stared at me with her big sad eyes.

I shrinked back a bit, scared of getting in trouble, scared of what my parents would say. But she would never give that sympathetic look to Puck, who had come up with the damn idea. She'd probably take him straight to the principal. "Nothing," I shook my head. "I'm not doing anything. Go find somebody else to feel bad for."

I started shaking as I rolled off. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I had gone off on a teacher. Me, who would never intentionally cause trouble or be contrary. Me, who everybody just felt bad for. But somehow, the release felt good. Now I understood exactly why Tina went off on me a few weeks ago. She had just needed to let out her frustration somehow.

* * *

"What in the world?" I heard Quinn laughing that afternoon as I approached the the choir room. About half the glee club was standing around, looking into the room confused.

I smiled to myself as I approached. "What's going on?" I asked up at Tina.

She just shrugged. "Somebody trashed the choir room."

I slowly nudged my way through the crowd. I took in the sight of the layer of shaving cream covering the floor, the strange sharp objects on all of the chairs. I smiled, pushing forward. "Well, what's stopping you guys? Let's go in."

I rolled on, my wheels cutting straight through the cream. I looked back over my shoulder; everyone else was hesitating, afraid of ruining their shoes. I didn't have to worry about that. "Come on, Tina," I ushered her forward.

She looked a bit confused, but she was wearing her combat boots and I knew she didn't really care anyway. She bravely stepped out onto the shaving cream and actually laughed. She urged the others to follow her and slowly, Matt and Puck and Brittany followed her.

I pulled Tina over to the side and started a random conversation. I focused on the room beyond her and watched as Matt went to sit on one of the chairs without looking down. He jumped up almost immediately and screamed out. "What the-?" He asked, looking down at the chair.

Tina turned around to him, "What?

"What's going on?" Mr. Schue asked, walking up to the gathered crowd.

"Somebody trashed the choir room," Tina repeated, rolling her eyes.

"There's thumbtacks taped to the chair!" Matt exclaimed, still rubbing his ass.

"They're on all the chairs." Santana shook her head from the door. "It's almost like somebody doesn't want us to be able to sit down..."

"Who would have done something like this?" Mr. Schue looked around the room, trying to find some guilty faces. I made the point of turning away from him and digging fruitlessly in my backpack. I knew my burning cheeks would give me away. By the time I turned back around, Mr. Schuester's eyes were firmly on me. "Artie? What's going on?"

Now was the time to play the innocent nerd. I adjusted my collar nervously. "What are you talking about? I didn't do anything."

"It's pretty obvious that whoever did this didn't want anybody to be able to sit down or even walk through the room. The only person this mess won't affect is you."

I swallowed my guilt hard. I looked around the room at the faces of my friends. They ranged from shocked to disgusted to pity. I couldn't stand it; I looked away.

"So what?" I finally muttered, glaring up at Mr. Schue. "I wanted to be bad. Looks like I proved my point."

I pushed away from Tina and rolled through the mess I'd made. The crowd by the door split mercifully, letting me pass. I could not meet any of their eyes. "Artie, wait!" I heard Tina call from behind me. I did not stop. "Artie! Ar-tee," she was almost yelling now.

I finally turned around, just so she would stop saying the nickname that I always despised. "What?" I spat as she approached me.

"First of all, you promised not to leave like that again." I grimaced, remembering our first failed date. The fallout and redemption came tumbling back, but I quickly remembered myself. "What's going on?"

"I told Mr. Schue. I wanted to prove something. Show them what it feels like to be left out."

"What are you talking about? Nobody is-"

I stopped her with a harsh glare. "I'm always the odd one out. Everybody else can do whatever they want and for once, I wanted to do that." But even as I said it, I realized that I'd failed. Suddenly I felt childish for preventing others from doing what I could not.

Damn it, why did Tina's big eyes make me feel like a child? "Artie, you can be whoever you want to be. Just look at you - you don't care what anybody thinks of you. You do whatever you want, weither it's cool or not. The Artie I know would never do something so cruel. What's going on with you?"

I looked down into my lap uncomfortably. "I'm tired of always doing the good thing. I hate being a loser. I want to show the world my dark side and not be ashamed of it, just like you."

"That's really sweet, Artie." She smiled softly and looked like she wanted to kiss me, but she just shook her head and pulled away sadly. "But sometimes, I am ashamed. I know it's not about being 'dark.' It's about being happy with who you are. Artie, I really like you, but I think you need to figure out who you are before we can be serious. We both do."

"I know who I am, damn it!" My heart was racing now; I somehow felt scorn, hate, and pride, and fear all at the same time. She may be vulnerable, but she could be so much more. She could escape; be free - and I never could. I was trapped... and the pain was overwhelming. I hit the armrest of my chair - hard. "I guess I was right about you. You'll never understand."

I lowered my hands to my wheels, but I hesitated; I couldn't bring myself to go anywhere. I just stared in my lap, hoping she would be the one to leave this time. The moments crawled until I heard new footsteps approaching.

I looked up and met our teacher's expressive face. "Ms. Pillsbury told me what you said to her earlier. Is that what this is all about?" Mr. Schue's deep eyes cut into me, searching my soul. Slowly, I nodded.

He looked up at Tina, somehow telling her everything with just once glance. "You're wrong. You don't know how wrong you are. I don't know what we can do to show you how much we appreciate you."

"And that's the problem." I sighed, looking up at both of them. Their soft eyes told me they were just trying to make me feel better. "There's nothing you can do because you don't. No one could."

The silence that followed was almost deadly. I don't know how we ever made it back to the choir room like nothing happened. And later, when Tina asked me if I wanted to talk, I said no. There was no point.

* * *

A/N 2: To be continued... I promise there will be Artina fluff to make up for all the angst. ;) Thoughts?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews. :D I'm really not sure how I feel about this piece, so the input is great. I'm not sure if this fic is speculation or pure venting anymore, lol. There's no spoilers for stuff that hasn't been shown in this though.

I owe the lovely adventures at livejournal for the inspiration.

* * *

"Oh, Artie!" Rachel ran up to me one day early the next week with a huge smile on her face. Before I knew it, she'd scooped me up in a giant hug. "I'm so sorry! I feel like this is all my fault."

"What are you talking about?" I knotted my eyebrows as she finally lowered me back into my chair.

"I met Finn's friend. You know, that guy who was paralyzed in the football game." She gave me a look with her big brown eyes, suddenly making me really nervous. "You know that I pick out a lot of the songs that we do. I know you've been feeling left out lately and I guess I never realized how hard that is for you."

I shook my head, confusion and defeat running rampant through my brain. "I thought everyone understood that after we did Proud Mary."

"Physically, yes, I realize it's hard." She nodded confidently and set her eyes in that really annoying, overdramatic way of hers. "But there's no way I could know what it'd be like to not be able to do what I love. I think I'd die if I ever really lost my voice."

"First of all, I'm nothing like that guy." Finn always told me how hard he had it and what an inspiration he was. No one ever said that about me. "I made a stupid mistake. I never should have messed up the choir room. I don't even really care about dancing," I shrugged, avoiding her intense gaze.

"Are you sure?" I just nodded, but as I rolled away, I was anything but confident.

"As much as I hate to admit it, Rachel's right," I sighed as I accompanied Tina to our next class. "I have been feeling left out lately."

"Is that why you did it?" She asked softly.

I shook my head. "Not really. I just feel like nobody takes us seriously. I feel like we're almost invisible sometimes."

"I know, I still can't believe Mr. Schue cut off our duet last week."

_"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend/ Lucky to have been where I have been/ Lucky to be coming home again," We sang, smiling at each other._

_"That's really sweet, you guys," Mr. Schuester stopped them short. "But the assignment was to sing about how you feel right now."_

_"That is how we feel," I said, smiling, Tina nodding right along._

_"I meant a solo," the teacher said, totally ignoring the two other duets that had been spotlighted._

"So I guess I thought the prank would be a good idea. I just want to be taken seriously, you know," I shrugged. "I'm tired of being a loser and I thought Puck could help me out with that."

Tina actually laughed at that. "Puck could never be a loser. And neither could you."

"Thanks, I guess," I shrugged, not so sure.

* * *

"It's like everybody just feels bad for me." I muttered into my lap. I'd crossed my legs on the huge couch, refusing to look vulnerable.

Slowly, I gazed up at the curly haired lady seated before me. She was smiling widely, almost too friendly. "Artie, I think you're projecting your feelings onto others again. Remember what I told you about Tina."

"Don't let your anger out on others," I mocked back at her. "I'm not letting my anger out. I'm not projecting. It's true. If Puck had pulled such a stupid prank, he would have been suspended. If it had been anybody else, they would have gotten kicked out of glee club. Me? I just get these stupid looks."

"What exactly did you do?"

"I told you. I trashed the choir room because everybody feels bad for me. I'm never a part of what's going on in the club." Some of my anger was boiling back up to the surface. I had been so young when it'd happened; I felt like I'd never really had a chance to live. "It was stupid, but it proved my point. Even afterwards, everyone just felt bad that I would do something so stupid."

"You keep saying people feel bad for you. Do you feel bad for Finn's friend? What's his name, Shawn?"

"I never even met the guy," I shrugged, shifting uncomfortably. "But from what I understand, he's got it pretty bad. A lot worse than I do. And he actually had something to lose. A scholarship. His favorite sport. So yeah, I feel bad for him, but it's justified, you know? I never had anything to lose. I feel like I'd be a loser no matter what."

"You're the only person who can say what you are."

"Oh stop it," I shook my head. "I mean, I love singing and making movies and playing guitar, but that stuff is never gonna make me popular."

"Do you really care about being popular?"

I snorted. "Of course not. Me, popular? You wish. But even in glee club, I feel like I'm always the odd one out. Me and Tina. Like, even in our little group of outcasts, I don't really fit. Everybody else has found their place, but I haven't really been able to adapt. I feel like I'm always stuck in the middle; not really all there. I don't try too hard like Rachel, but I'm not slacking off like some people. I don't need all the attention like some people do, but I don't want to just sway in the background. It's like I just can't find my place, you know?"

"I don't know if that's so true. I know we talked about this, but you've found what you're good at. You told me you like doing creative stuff, so go with that. Maybe ask Rachel if she wants to make another video."

I blinked at her and opened my eyes wide with disbelief. A moment later, I burst out laughing. "Are you insane? She drove me crazy over 'Run Joey Run.' She's insane. She wouldn't rest until it was exactly how she wanted it. The video turned out horrible. I tried to warn her," I shook my head sadly. "I would never work with her again."

"OK, so maybe you don't need to do more projects. You said you feel left out of glee club. Have you ever sung a song by yourself in glee club?"

"No, not by myself."

"Maybe you should try it. It's time for you to show the club what you can do, in a positive way."

I shrugged. "I guess I could try. I'm not sure how Rachel will feel."

* * *

"Go for it," Rachel shrugged at me the next day when I asked her.

"What? I thought you wanted to sing all the time."

"Well, I do love singing." As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she would start on one of her diatrides. God she was annoying. "And face it, you guys need me, but everyone needs a chance. I mean, Kurt and Mercedes are pretty good. I'd love to see what you could do. You have a good voice."

"What happened to you?" I looked up at her, making sure this was the same Rachel Berry I'd met back in September.

She just shrugged. "Glee club is the only place I actually have a chance to shine. I've realized you guys might feel the same." She gave me a soft smile. Maybe I could actually like this new, vulnerable Rachel. "Besides, meeting Shawn made me realize just how much you can do. I'd love to see more of it."

I just shook my head, my chest tensing up. "Don't make this about him, please. Things are hard for me too, but I guess I'm kind of used to it." I shrugged and wheeled ahead of her a few paces. Suddenly, I turned back to face her. "Oh, and Rachel, thanks for the chance to sing."

* * *

The next day, I got up in front of the club and sang with my heart out on my sleeve.

_I made this bed, I choose to lie in it.  
Live with my regrets, sleep with what I said.  
Could this be the end,_

_Am I standing on the edge_

_of everything I wanted now?  
But I was afraid, I was afraid_

Maybe I'm just scared to face the things I fail  
It's easier to walk away from everything

Seperate my soul with all the things we shared  
I'm fallin to pieces now  
Say a prayer for me when you go to bed  
I'm in need of your faith now  
But I was afraid

_Maybe I'm just scared to face the things I fail  
It's easier to walk away from everything_

If we could just re-set and live in happiness  
Instead of our regrets, we'd salvage everything

_we don't have to walk away  
Pray for me now, I'm in need of faith  
Pray for me now, I'm in need_


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry for the wacky formatting in the last chapter. :S Still no real spoilers in this. Whatever I write before Tuesday is pure coincidence... This one goes out to everyone at gleeforum for being awesome, you know who you are.

* * *

"Hold on there buddy." Mr. Schue said as I tried to leave the choir room that day after practice. He'd actually taken hold of one of the handles of my chair.

I almost yelled at him about how offensive and dangerous doing something like that was, but all I could manage was a pathetic, "what?"

"When I heard you wanted to sing, I was thrilled, but that's honestly not what I was expecting. Is there something you want to talk about?" He hitched up his khakis and took a seat next to me.

I just shook my head and prepared to lie. I always prided myself on being honest, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone the truth. Not Tina, not that stupid shrink, not Puck and certainly not Rachel. "There's been a lot on my mind lately."

Mr. Schue nodded, like he might just understand. "Is this about our routines? Tina told me you might not be so happy with the dancing lately."

"Tina doesn't know half of it," I looked down into my lap and picked at the corner of my glove. "I told you, I don't care about the dancing. I don't think I'd be very good, even if I could dance. You guys go on looking good without me. I want to win just as much as anybody else."

"All of you have to look good. We have to be happy if we're gonna win. I hate to say it, but if any of you guys go out there looking depressed, it's really gonna hurt our chances of winning. Especially if that depressed team member just happens to be in a wheelchair."

My teacher's big honest eyes met mine. I shook my head and said, "Maybe that's the problem. Everybody thinks it's true, so why not just come out and admit it? We're never gonna win and it's all because of me. That's why I'm never involved anymore."

"What? How can you say you're not involved? Who got the jazz band to come play for us? Who rallies the team together every single time we need encouragement? Who always helps their team mates with their projects, no matter what their personal opinions are?"

I smiled softly. "OK, fine. You're not telling me anything I don't know. So what if I get involved? The truth is I feel like it doesn't even matter what I do behind the scenes. All people have to do is look at me and they'll forget that. The only vote we'll ever get because of me is a sympathy vote."

"Artie, no offense to any of you guys, but I could get a sympathy vote for any of you. Each one of you has a story and that's what makes you special. You all have a voice and the judges want to hear that, but at the end of the day, they want to hear positivity."

"Well than, maybe you'd better forget all about me. That song I just sang is how I really feel. I don't care that it's not all sunshine and rainbows."

"What are you so scared of? Whatever you're feeling is completely normal. I promise."

He looked at me like he really cared about whatever was bothering me. I knew there was no way he could ever understand what it was like to be me, but maybe it would be OK to tell him the truth... "You see, the accident that me and my mom were in... the one that put me in this chair... it was all my fault."

* * *

As I rolled myself out of school half an hour later, I was still reeling from what I'd told Mr. Schue. Why had I spilled my guts like that? I'd never told anyone that before. Not even my mom knew the whole story...

I made my way down the wheelchair ramp at the back entrance and I looked out onto the empty football field with a sigh. I never cared about sports or my body image or anything superficial like that. No, I lived with the guilt of deeper secrets, of things nobody should have to live with.

I remembered the guilt every day when I got up and faced that wheelchair. Every day when I watched my teammates just having fun dancing and being normal, it cut the scars a little bit deeper. And there was nothing I could do to make it better.

I rounded the corner carefully and rammed right into the back of Karofsky, the big hockey player who hated pretty much all of glee club. He turned around, his anger written clear on his face. "Hey, watch where you're going, retard! Do I look all access to you?"

I almost chocked on the cuss word. My fist got ready to punch him in the balls, but looking up past him, I counted at least three other laughing jocks that were even bigger than him. They could beat me to a bloody pulp without a second thought. I really had no desire to end up in the hospital because of them... again.

I didn't move. Maybe if I sat there like a stone, it would hurt less. Karofsky pulled back his fist and I winced my eyes closed, steadying myself. The hit never came.

After a long moment, I dared open my eyes. Finn and Puck were pushing off Karofsky and the other jocks had taken off, laughing at some stupid joke about a freshman girl. I knew none of them wanted to take on Puck and definitely not my two jock friends together.

You think I'd be thankful, right?

Puck finally turned back to me, "You alright, dude?"

I just shrugged and muttered. "I can take care of myself, you know."

Honestly, Puck's disbelieving stare just made me feel worse.

* * *

'Hey Tee,' I texted my girlfriend later that evening. I'd spent the whole night avoiding my mom's anxious looks and my big brother's bullying. They obviously knew something was going on, but I would never tell them.

I needed a familiar voice to talk to. Someone who might understand what I'm going through. I knew there were times when Tina felt just as misunderstood as I did. Maybe that's why we'd reconnected so easily. My phone stayed silent for a long moment until it finally lit up with a new text. 'Hey.'

'What's up? Can you talk?'

Again, it took her an awfully long time to respond. 'Sorry can't talk. Busy. Will see you tomorrow.'

I just shrugged, figuring she was studying for a math test or something.

* * *

"Hey, Artie," Somebody approached from behind me the next morning. I could almost hear the smile in her voice.

I turned around and smiled at the blond girl before me, "Oh, hey, Brittany."

"I really liked your song yesterday. You seemed so sad. I was thinking, I've made out with like, all the guys in school but I never really noticed you before. You wanna make out?"

I looked around, making sure she was really talking to me. "Um, I sort of have a girlfriend..." At least I thought Tina was my girlfriend. We had never made out... and I'd never even kissed anyone besides her before. Should I really let this excellent opportunity pass me by?

"Oh really? I heard from Santana that she was making out with Jesse yesterday."

I shook my head. Maybe I'd heard her wrong. "What? That doesn't even make sense."

"I know," she nodded, for once actually understanding what was going on. "I don't know how she saw them making out in Jesse's car. I mean, it was locked, right?" She shook her head, walking off.

I pushed off hard in the opposite direction, ready to beat the shit out of that Vocal Adrenaline punk.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: OK, trying to make this story "in universe" is insane. Dream On was just so awesome and Artie can't possibly be mad at Tina, but apparently, in this story, he is? Anyway, you guys asked for it, so I shall continue, lol. Read + Review, please. :D

* * *

I didn't see Jesse for a few days after Brit told me the truth. We didn't have practice because Mr. Schue was distracted, chasing his dream of being a star. Honestly, I was also a little distracted, caught in my own daydreams. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that Tina is so supportive of my dreams, but at the same time, she tends to get carried away and it gets me carried away, thinking I can do more than I'm really capable of. And that kind of pisses me off. I really tried not to be jealous while she was dancing with Mike, but I couldn't help it. I'll never be able to do something like that. Anytime I tell anyone that I don't care about dancing... yeah, that's pretty much a lie.

The next time I saw Jesse, he was standing right where I expected him, in front of Rachel Berry's locker. "Why did you come back here?" I shot up at him.

He looked down at me and gave me that smile. The same smile Mrs. Pillsbury gave me during our now mandatory weekly sessions. The same look Tina gave me whenever she was trying to help me out. The look my mom gave me every freaking morning when she walked into my room. The whole world felt bad for me. Yeah, one day I'd change that, just by walking into a room on my own two feet, but for now, there was nothing I could do but dream. "Oh hey, Art," he finally said, casually giving me some nickname like he was my friend. "I'm here to help you guys. I really like Rachel and I would do anything to help her out." He was smiling, but I could see some dark force in his eyes, like he was hiding something.

Maybe the fact that he'd made out with my girlfriend?

I pushed in closer, narrowing my eyes. "You know, we don't need you. We can do fine on our own."

Jesse let out a short laugh. "No offense, but you guys need all the help you can get."

That was the last straw. I was used to people making fun of me, throwing me in the dumpster and generally making my life hell, but to make fun of glee club? That was the only place where we all felt equal, the only place where all our faults were accepted. Nobody made fun of my people and got away with it. Especially not the enemy himself.

The one good thing about being in a chair is that I have the perfect aim to punch someone in the balls. Not that I've ever done it... OK, maybe just that one time and my annoying cousin Harry deserved it. As I prepared for my surprise attack, something stopped me. I heard the sound of shoes behind me and I held back. Familiar arms embraced me from behind. "What's up, Artie... Jesse?" I could hear the hesitation in Tina's voice. I actually caught myself wondering why she would ever want to be with someone like me. Jesse was a much better dancer.

"Oh hey, Tee," I tried to smile as I looked up at her. "Where have you been hiding?"

She hesitated, looking suspiciously in Jesse's direction. "I've been... busy. You know, studying for that big math test."

"Do you really expect me to believe that? Brittany told me that you kissed him and you're not denying it" I looked at both of their surprised faces in turn and sighed, "I thought I could trust you, Tina. I thought you wanted the best for me. I guess I was wrong."

I rolled away from them, not even bothering to look back when she called my name.

* * *

That night, I sat on my bed surrounded by a house of cards. My mom had made me save every single get well card I received during the six months I was in the hospital and in rehab. My whole third grade class had each made one that got put together and sent to me in a care package. Very cute idea and I probably appreciated it at the time, but now? I just shudder.

Eight year old Puck just wrote, 'sorry you got hurt,' in his childish handwriting that never quite matured.

Finn wrote, 'I don't know what paralyzed means, but I hope it doesn't hurt too much.'

There were badly drawn pictures of sad faces and 'hospitols' to go along with each sentiment. My mom said one day, I'd be glad I'd saved them. Now I just wanted to get rid of them. I looked down at a terrible picture of a wheelchair drawn by a young Mercedes and my hands clenched the card into my fist. These people were my friends and I know they meant the best, but I didn't want these sentiments of sympathy. I just wanted them to actually respect me.

Maybe this wouldn't be so horrible if this wasn't all my fault... No, don't think about that now. I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind.

I looked around my room for some relief. My eyes caught the lighter I'd used to make a special effect in a recent A/V Club movie. We won't discuss how long my allowance will be withheld because of that stunt. Now, as I grabbed it off the shelf, my thoughts were on one mission: destroy. I pushed myself over into my chair and wheeled over to the bathroom connected to my room. It was times like these I was actually glad my parents had remodeled the house after my accident. I smiled to myself slyly, feeling the press of hard cardboard in my one hand and the smooth plastic lighter in the other. As I leaned over the sink and watched the cards burn, I knew the silent fire said things I never could.

* * *

The next time I saw Jesse, I did not hesitate. I was waiting for glee club to start, talking to Puck and Matt. It was still weird to think that we never would have been friends before this year, but it was kind of cool that we actually shared interests like swimming and poker. I could almost feel the stand still as Jesse walked in, that confident smirk on his face that he wore so well. "Excuse me," I said to the guys and clicked off my brakes to approach Jesse. I glared up at him, "I don't like the look on your face."

"What are you talking about?" He knotted his eyebrows.

"Why are you messing with my girl?" I threatened, but he continued to look confused. Suddenly, all my jealousy and resentment and regrets came rushing out. "Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I heard it from Brittany." I looked over at Brit, who sat staring ahead, next to Santana. The whole glee club was sitting there with gaped mouths. Only our teacher was missing.

He shook his head. "If you just let me explain-"

"So it's like I thought, huh?" I inched closer to him. "Well, I hope now people will actually take me seriously."

I punched the jerk square in the balls. He heaved over so I could get a good shot at his stomach. Luckily I caught him off balance and he swayed a little. Using a quick karate chop action, I hit one knee and than the other from behind. It worked; he fell down to a kneel. "What's going on?" He gasped, but I just smiled from my throne. I wished I could kick him in the face, but I settled on punching him square in the jaw. He fell to the floor like a baby. I threw myself from my chair on top of him and kept pummeling him. Finally, he fought back, pulling up from under me. He punched me softly in the chest and I could tell he wasn't putting much strength into it. As he raised his fist to hit me again-

"What the hell!" I looked over at Mr. Schue, who'd just walked in the room. "What's going on here? Why are you beating him up, Jesse?"

He pulled Jesse off me, not waiting for an explanation. Apparently Jesse was still dumbfounded because he just stared down at me while Mr. Schue carted him off to the principal. The rest of the club filed down from their seats, giving me these pathetic looks, like there was something wrong with me. Which - I reminded myself - there was.

I stared down at my crumpled body in defeat. "Artie?" I looked up at Tina, who stood upside down above my head. "That was really cute of you to fight like that over me, but I didn't kiss Jesse."

"You didn't?" I asked, too dumbfounded to object.

"No. Since when do you believe anything Brittany says? She isn't exactly the most reliable source out there."

"But she said Santana saw you in Jesse's car." My arguments now sounded pathetic. I sighed and finally sat up. Tina came around to face me.

"I was in his car," she looked away shyly. "We were working on something. It was supposed to be a surprise."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This chapter exists mostly because one of my gmail ads is 'gansta love.' How appropriate... Anyway, sorry for the delay. Work sucks. Annnd the angst continues...

* * *

"Don't tell me you were gonna do something for me, Tee." I narrowed my eyes as I sat on the floor, staring up at her. Her eyes got really soft, like they always did when she meant well. "I really don't want any 'surprises.' What is it, some kind of pity party? 'Yay, let's all try to make Artie feel better, but really we just feel bad for him! Yay!'"

She kneeled down and looked me straight in the eye. There was something about her, some honesty in her eyes that I would never question. "Artie, I don't think anyone feels bad for me. We look up to you." She smiled. "Not literally, of course."

I couldn't help laughing, but my smile quickly fell. "So why do you feel like you have to do something for me? I've really been a jerk lately and it just makes you want to treat me better. I don't get it."

She shook her head. "Everybody knows you don't mean the things you've done. It was like when I went all crazy on you. I was just trying to slap some sense into you and I guess now you're kind of doing the same thing to everybody else."

I shrugged, "Yeah, I guess. I just want people to respect me, you know?" She just nodded softly. "By the way, it was pretty awesome when I appologized and you did this." I leaned over and kissed her lightly.

I actually wasn't that surprised when Tina just shook her head and pushed away from me. "Not now, Artie. I think we should talk about this."

"Talk about what?" I glared at her until she turned away, hiding her face behind her hair. "I don't want to talk about being weak or messing up or whatever. Remember the last time we tried to do that?" Now she looked at me. She finally lowered herself onto the ground so we were even. "I think it's better if we focus on the positive and try to make each other better."

"And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I don't like this new badass side of you. I know you got the inspiration from me, and that's really cute, but I'm not trying to be bad. I just want to express myself. You know that."

"I used to know that," I deadpanned. "Don't get me wrong, I like that you want to show people who you are and you don't care what anyone thinks, but why would you actually want to be different?"

"We've been through this, Artie. You can be better, but you've got to be OK with who you are."

I shrugged and muttered, "What if I don't want to be different? I just want to fit in."

"Beating up Jesse St. James isn't exactly the best way to fit in."

"He's a jerk," I snorted.

"So what? Only somebody like Puck would take revenge. It doesn't matter how life treats you, you can't take it out on people. I should know that better than anybody," I nodded, but it didn't matter. Tina looked away, into her lap. Just a few weeks ago, she'd confided in me that her grandmother had died when she was only 8 and it'd made her grow up fast. She explained that was the reason why she really dressed so dark and was obsessed with death.

Well, she wasn't the only one who'd been ruined by tragedy. I thought for a second and finally sighed, knowing I really had no choice. I'd have to tell her eventually. "Tina, I should tell you something. It's about what happened to me when I was 8. The accident, see it was my fault."

"I'm sure that's not true," she looked at me, disbelieving. "It was just an accident."

"No. It was my fault. I haven't really been honest with you. See, my mom and I were in a car crash... but I wasn't exactly in the car." She gave me a curious look, but I rushed on before I could reconsider. "I was playing catch with my younger brother in our front yard. I was trying to show off how hard I could throw the ball, so I kept throwing it into the street. I knew it was stupid, but it was funny to see him wait like 5 minutes before getting the ball from the gutter. Anyway, I kept throwing it, just to annoy him. Finally, I threw it really hard, across the street. He started crying and told me to get it cause he was scared. I mean, he was only 6. I laughed at him for being scared and decided to show him how much bigger I was. I didn't even look before I crossed the street." I trailed off, picking at a corner of one of my gloves.

I'd never told anybody besides Mr. Schue that. My brother was pretty shaken up afterwards, so he didn't really talk to anyone. I just let my mom go on thinking it was me being careless, not that I'd actually wanted to show off...

"Oh god, Artie," Tina choked out. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize."

My rage flared up again, almost getting the better of me. Breathe, I thought. Chill. Finally, I shrugged. "Don't be sorry. There's nothing that can change what happened now." And I thought I took that pain pretty well, considering. I glanced around the choir room, at the empty chairs, at the forgotten papers and at my wheelchair abandoned a few feet askew from where I sat. Suddenly, it dawned on me: I'd really screwed up. Even if I'd suspected Jesse of cheating on my team and with my girl, I never should have resorted to violence. Now Jesse might get suspended or worse and it was all my fault.

_Well, good_, I thought. _He could go back to those Vocal Adrenaline creeps._

Since when did I let winning take over my life? I'd let my hatred of the enemy take over my life and cloud my judgment to the point where I did really stupid things. No, it wasn't winning, that voice said. It was the thought of being better than someone for once. If we could beat Vocal Adrenaline, maybe than I'd be good for something. I would have a trophy in the choir room that I could be proud of. Sure, we'd won Sectionals, but after a few days, that glory wore off. The truth was, neither of those groups were really that great - they had to cheat to have a chance. No one would deny that Vocal Adrenaline was good, really good. We didn't have a shot against them, really. So I'd had to make Jesse seem so low that he couldn't possibly be good at anything, especially not a winner...

It was all a stupid mistake to make myself feel better than somebody, anybody. Finally, I nodded up at Tina. "But maybe you're right. I've been pretty stupid. I'll make you a promise. I'll be on my best behavior around him from now on."

She smiled softly. "That's more like it."

"As long as you promise me. No surprises."

She looked a bit thrown off by this, but finally, she looked into my eyes and nodded. She stood and pushed my wheelchair closer. This time I let her help me back up.

* * *

A few days later, I wheeled into glee club practice carefully, but Jesse hadn't returned. I don't think it had anything to do with the fight though because Rachel looked pretty upset. Last I checked Rachel didn't give two hoots about me and I figured Jesse probably broke up with her. Again.

The whole club looked up and smiled at me in unison as I entered. My chest caught suddenly, but I just smiled back. Go with it, Artie.

But Puck came up to me, a sincere smile on his face. He actually slapped me high five. "Hey dude. You're just on time. We need your help with a number we're working on for Regionals. You want in?"

"Could I ever say no?" I laughed and went over to my guitar. I picked it up as Puck took the mike and started singing:

_"Hey, don't write yourself off yet  
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.  
Just try your best, try everything you can  
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away."_

I looked over at Tina, who was smiling shyly. I knew she'd planned this, but suddenly it didn't matter. I hated surprises, but I know she'd meant good. I knew what exactly what the club was trying to tell me. Nobody ever felt bad for me, except myself. The best thing I could do was try.

I smiled as I joined along to the chorus:

_"It just takes some time  
Little girl (half the club sung boy, but really, we messed it up) you're in the middle of the ride  
Everything, everything will be just fine  
Everything, everything will be alright, alright."_

Now Tina took the mike and sang:

_"Hey, you know they're all the same.  
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.  
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself,  
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."_

And now we all started singing, really just enjoying ourselves and knowing that everything would work out eventually.

_"It just takes some time  
Little boy you're in the middle of the ride.  
Everything, everything will be just fine.  
Everything, everything will be alright, alright."_


End file.
